It's a Girl Thing...

Ok, I know this post won't necessarily apply to everyone (namely, guys,) because I simply can't imagine any guy being as excited as I am over a little pot of hair wax. But for any of the females who read my blog, I had to say that I recently bought this (yes, it's actually a hair WAX) little green pot of hair product (and very inexpensively at a mere $4.16) which does WONDERS for any of you who have wavy or curly hair.

My hair is naturally very wavy, and, if styled correctly, curly. But I've been frustrated with the results my current curl treatment has been leaving me with, since the curls don't stay throughout the day (oh wow, it even rhymes.) And with a somewhat short haircut, now at shoulder length (which is in the process of growing out), I was unsure as to the cause of the lack-of-curl problem. So, I was recommended this hair wax by a girl I work with who has a very similar hair texture to mine, and I decided to try it out.

What I usually do now is scrunch my hair upside down when it's still wet and then again, scrunch it damp with a towel. Then, still upside down, I take about a penny-sized swipe of wax, rubbing it into a film between both hands, and scrunch my hair until the wax is evenly lathered throughout the damp locks. And while it dries (rather, UNTIL it dries,) I keep scrunching at various intervals. Then when my hair is completely dry, I'm left with a head of perfectly shiny (and un-residue-y) tendrils of curly hair!!

I don't think anything excites me in this way as much as cheaply purchased hair products that merit results like this! (Except possibly make-up, but that will be a future post, I'm sure...)

Had to share my enthusiasm -- thanks for reading.

Long live curls!

Cheers!!

Natalie

So, What Is It Like Being Engaged at Nineteen?

Let me tell you....it's certainly not anything I thought it would be! To begin with, I don't see myself as anything different -- for example, the difference between having not been engaged before and being engaged now is entirely indecipherable. I'm the same me! I used to look at engaged women as if they were transformed, in a perfectly lit ray of sunshine all to themselves with their fiance....completely in a different world. What I didn't realize was that it would be as real as it is SURreal.

I love to read and think about quotes. And since being in a relationship (and now being engaged) with Caleb, my eyes have been opened to the astoundingly vast and fathomless world of what it means to love and be loved and to strive with all that you are to live, searching for new and true ways to accomplish Loving by definition masterfully. Just now, I found a quote that I simply could not pass up sharing in this post (as I was, I confess, looking through quotes for inspiration to trigger a new post as I have neglected to write for a very overdue two weeks). It's a simple quote, but very true I think, by an anonymous source.

"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."

I really like that. (Hah! I have two hearts now!) Maybe that's why infatuation is so strong at first meeting...because your two hearts have never beaten together as one, and it is simply too overpowering for one person to handle the initial encounter at a sensibly-minded level. Maybe I think too much.

On a slightly unrelated note, I've been very frustrated recently (and by recently, I mean in the last few months recently) with people's reactions to discovering my being engaged at 19. I've been most disappointed when people look at me, shrug with a grimace and say something to the affect of, "Have a nice life, I hope everything works out for you." And YES, for goodness sake, I know that not everyone will be as happy about this as I am, but I can't help but blindly hope every single time that people will feel some joy in the same way I do, even though it is humanly impossible. Some reactions (understandably in each case) I've gotten have been anywhere from, "Wow, you're engaged?! That's so wonderful! I'm so happy for you!" to "Gosh, I wish I was engaged..." to "Woah, do you have ANY idea what you're getting yourself into?" to "Why would you do something so foolish?" It's heartbreaking to realize that the people who are most dubious are the ones who have been emotionally broken time and time over again. These are the people I can hardly expect to understand what I have because they have never experienced anything remotely close to how good I have it! (And it could be quite judgemental, not to mention proud, of me to say such things, but I'm speaking from genuine speculation.)

I believe that in striving for a good marriage, one should cleave to one's equal. Or better, you should find someone who esteems you as better than themselves as mutually as you esteem them better than you. It must be an equal relationship as you strive together, iron against iron, sharpening each other into a more beautiful creation than you could ever have endeavored to be on your own. I think that in finding one's own, you first realize how flawed you have lived, how torn and broken and unfinished, until you meet this person who fulfills you, completes you, and makes you whole.

I could never have dreamed I would be as blessed as I am...never. And certainly not by the time I turned nineteen. Last year, at St. John's Orthodox Church Camp 2007, I was preparing to leave for college soon after returning home. It was a huge year for me, but one of the things I finally let go was this inner desire to know who my future husband was going to be. Upon moving to Ohio early in 2007, I'd subconsciously begun wondering (at meeting each and any male even close to my age) if he was The One. That summer, I figured out that what I needed to do most, in order to really let God let "him" find me, was to let go of this restlessness I felt. I succeeded, miraculously. I did. Because little did I know that my (now) fiance was eyeing me in a new light for the first time that summer camp. I couldn't be more grateful that God temporarily blinded me (and especially) during that week so that I missed how Caleb would look at me, or save me for the end (when hugging other campers during camp hugs) so he could linger a second more, or spend more and more time being around me...

If I had known then, I surely would not have been ready for what God was preparing me for. Over the next few months, getting used to college life and keeping up an email correspondence with Caleb, the unignorable feeling started to strengthen, beginning to pulse in the back of my mind, more powerful and noticeable with each coming day I got to know Caleb better -- that gut feeling like he was the one I would inevitably end up with. I don't know quite how to describe it, but it didn't quite surprise me at first because somehow, I'd always known, but never before been aware that I'd known. (Lost any of you yet?)

And also, in a very real way, the feelings I felt at the time were more subdued somehow. I wasn't filled with the feverish excitement that any previous infatuation I'd ever known had consumed me. It was a more....mature feeling. Something I'd never quite experienced before. It was more patient, yet it still pulsed with an undercurrent of burning curiosity. (And by nature, I am quite curious to begin with!) I was dying to know more about him, every chance I could get (which remained governed by the fact that my priorities were forced to be school and practicing at the time, making my leisure time for Caleb Class considerably less lengthy than desirable). Thirsty for knowledge of everything about him, but somehow calm about the timing that the information was revealed to me, and cheered by the fact that (quite obviously) he initiated every advance to discovering more knowledge of me. More and more, as our friendship progressed, the feelings I was just beginning to realize which had always been there were gradually being unearthed, as he dug deeper into the richest soil of my mind with each new question, each new discovery of me, each new fascination. And, as I got to know him better, I was aware that he was breaking down every single wall I had subconsciously and unknowingly built around myself; he crumbled my surrounding fortress, stripping any falseness or facade, leaving me irrivocably exposed and unquestionably me. The real me. So perfect was his pursual that I had no refuge, no warning, but was left to let him know me and love me as the true, vulnerable, absolutely defenseless, but utterly real me. All of me, the good and bad, the sinful and desirable.

In this way, the lesson I began learning then was that in order to be truly loved, one must be truly known. And, likewise, in turn, one must truly know in order to truly love.

And now I can describe as best I can how whole I feel, now I have been found by the one I was created for. In our flaws, I believe (as cliche as it sounds...) that we ARE perfect for one another. We compliment each other. We share common strengths as well as common weaknesses, while also possessing supplimentary weaknesses and strengths. We balance each other out. We share common loves, values, and beliefs.

But the way I feel now is that I have found my place. I feel at home because I know myself through my dearest love. He is home to me. And even when he isn't present, he is always on my mind in some way, mostly in comfort and peace of mind. The knowledge that he is the one for me, and I for him -- this is what I cling to. And now you understand the pain I feel for anyone who cannot see how it is. How I truly know what I'm doing in saying to anyone, "Yes, I am nineteen, yes, I am engaged, yes I am getting married, and no, I will never get divorced like you suspect I will."

How beautiful it is to love and to be loved in loving and being loved by He who made all things!

I don't know how to respond to such people who react in this way. Frustration and defiance and an irrepressible urge to explain to them and force understanding upon them is, shamefully, my first inclination. I just wish that everyone can understand!! But I am learning more and more, that it is a futile wish indeed for any man to see another's life as clearly as he lives it.

I was merely lucky enough to meet the man better than my dreams at an unusually young age. And for that, especially in today's society, one as young as I am is looked upon as naiive and rash, I think. Age really shouldn't have anything to do with it though. The maturity is right. The timing is right. The decison is right. That's all I need. And I am more grateful today than ever that Caleb was able to wait, and that God held him captive to his own blindness so he could not see me in true light until the right time. As Caleb put it, "Any sooner and it would have been illegal for me to even LOOK at you." So, he had to wait to grow a wife! And here I am. Willing and ready, with fear and trembling. Standing to be tried. And challenged to be a good and godly wife.

And that is, to some extent, how I feel being engaged at nineteen...

Epic Ponderings, Mosquito Wars, and a Question of Tomorrow

This post is not going to be normal, just a forewarning. I've had what seems a million jumbled and mismatched thoughts over the course of the last few days, and finally decided that what I needed most was to write and get it all (or mostly) out in a somewhat orderly fashion.

So, beginning with what has been buzzing on the news -- in every day to day conversation, in work places, in homes, and even the hairdresser's -- is, inevitably, the election of America's next President which has finally been decided. For one who should be more active and knowledgable in politics to even begin to think about writing about it, I won't attempt to try and talk about things I don't know. However, on a slightly irrelevent note, I will say that I enjoyed voting for my first time ever (and that it was miraculously quick and easy) and will certainly make every last effort to vote for each election to come. As far as who I voted for, anyone who knows me would guess Republican, and that is right. In short, I'm quite worried about what Barack Obama will bring to the White House. (Better him than Hilary, though . . .) After a lot of table talk around family dinners, spouted opinions of various fellow employees at Ruby Tuesday where I work, and news people's frenzied feedback on television, I've been listening a lot. But I should have been paying attention a long time ago.

Lately, I've been thinking that I just need to make sure I'm up to date on all the issues and pros and cons versus Obama and McCain (although this is now irrelevent), but really, I just should be paying attention to how our country is being run and how it will run, understanding the ways these powerful people across America make decisions every day -- decisions that could affect me more easily than I know. In all honesty, I'm not naturally drawn to politics. I'm just not interested. Plain and simple. But I darn well should be!

Really, all I know is that -- Obama or no Obama -- our country is in for the worst. It's coming, and I can just feel it. Is the end of the world coming? A common debate at work presently. I don't know the answer. No one can. But I do think it's a time where the world is becoming more backwards than ever before. Good is shamed as evil basks in the sun of worldly glory. Kill your unborn babies and save the whales, the trees, the environment, the polar bears. Rename marriage as the union between homosexuals, while spitting upon the definition of true marriage by living with your boyfriend or girlfriend with no second thought as to committing yourselves chastely in the pursuit of marriage. Oh, and don't ever "judge" those who are wallowing in sin because that's being prejudiced and biased and hypocritical (and probably throw racist in there somewhere). Honestly, WHAT is the world coming to?! I'm far from perfect, in that I know I'm proud, I'm lazy, (followed by many other things) and I have struggles, naturally. But is it stupidity or blindness to invite and nurture such evil into not only one's OWN life, but others' as well??

It seems to me that the world's perception of a good, well-taken-care-of family is something like this. The father and mother both have college degrees, the father works a good job, the mother has a nice part-time job and keeps healthy and fit, and their children are raised with "good morals" -- don't smoke, be nice to your siblings, play a good sport, don't date until you're 16, balance a good job and straight A's, pursue a good college education, graduate, get married, etc. etc. These things are all good to strive for (to an extent . . . I still don't think you should put an age to involvement in relationships, for example) but is that ALL anyone should strive for? Certainly any parent would want their children to be socially involved and skilled and intellectually developed and have morals and opinions, but aren't there more important things?

My prayer is that my children learn patience, integrity, honesty, loyalty, compassion, empathy, perseverence, love, faith, thoughtfulness, chastity . . . virtues like this in which to excell when all other opportunities can't seem to be found. Prayer to devote to and grow in. God to turn to in all things -- pain, joy, thankfulness, and need. Knowledge and a thirst for wisdom, in which to learn humility from. Patience, in which to be more easily joyful. Perseverence, in which to learn the rewards of a fight long fought and eventually won and in which to learn the triviality of instant gratification. Empathy, so they can learn love through the pain or struggles of others. These things help a child grow, strengthened with an armor that will protect them against temptations and challenges of the devil. It is so real -- evil -- and I believe that, for parents to successfully arm their child with these weapons, and through rooting out any bad influences throughout his life, that it is a treasure indeed, that child who is nurtured to resist the world whilst living in the world.

So, on a more random note, I have recently been battling a sworn enemy -- the mosquito. Now, no one likes these tiny bloodsucking rascals, but I detest no other insect more because I have sensitive, white skin which turns almost infectious at times when feasted upon by these little fiesty critters. So, imagine my immediate discomfort when, one night last week, I was slipping under my covers, settling in to fall asleep, when I heard the dreaded buzzing of a mosquito in my room. My first thought was "are you kidding me . . ." Reluctantly, I snapped my light on again, replaced my glasses and didn't rest until, fifteen minutes later (yes, fifteen, ridiculously enough), I was a mosquito slayer. Since the weather has been so lovely for early November, our screens get open and shut all day, so that's my hunch as to how they are navigating their way to my room, at least. So far, this has progressed almost every single night since last week and I have ruthlessly slaughtered a total of four mosquitos. If there was an award for the level of vengeance I have acheived in this one week, I would surely win. Alright, now I have unleashed my trivial frustrations about the little buggers and can move on to writing about bigger things.

In order to keep to the title of this particular blog post, the question (somewhat continuing on from what I was writing about before the mosquito interlude) is simply this. How will I raise my children in this world we live in? What greater task is a mother in this age called for than to bring up her children in godly ways in the hope that they will inspire others as an example? What greater terror than to worry if a mother would fail in this quest? To lose one or all of her children to sin? I am not as afraid as I was a year ago, when I was just barely dipping my toe into the world of college, that I will be able to succeed in this. I have God on my side, I have two fantastic families supporting me, and I stand by the man I love, the man I want to grow with for the rest of eternity, and I have unbelievable friends who uphold me and encourage me. How now, could I NOT succeed? I have faith. Courage is still growing, but the faith and the knowledge of direction is clear. I am getting married to the most wonderful Orthodox man, and I will raise an Orthodox family. What more than being a godly wife and mother should a woman strive for?

I used to think that feeling invincible was something like standing on a mountain top with a bow and arrow slung across your back, wind blowing your hair, a knife in your hand, at the pinnacle of the world; now, feeling invincible will feel like having my husband at my side, my children around me, before the face of God.

I am nineteen. I understand this. What do I know? No, seriously, WHAT do I know?? I have hardly any experience in the world, let alone enough knowledge of God and the Orthodox church. I have not wisdom nor humility nor patience. I have talent, and in writing out my thoughts, I can attempt to organize them, but not much more. What do I know? How could one such as me be ready for marriage or having a child in the face of things? I think that if your heart truly craves nothing more, and if you are growing and striving for it, in the process, you will become ready. And that is how I am right now. I am growing to be ready.

So, these are some of those thoughts that have been sprinting across my mind recently, and it just feels so good to write them out. It's a fantastic release for me, and helps me see what I'm thinking in print. Thanks for reading, and as always, feel free to comment. :)

Cheers!

Natalie